Mr. Maple

By Yasmin Abbas

Mr. Maple, otherwise known infamously referred to as “The Canadian” was born into a family of educators on the 26th of March, 1981 in Sarnia, a city in Ontario, Canada. Not too much later that same year, in very same city of Sarnia, one of Sarnia’s Police Department’s most wanted was born. From a young age, Mr. Maple was exposed to the world of teaching from the opposite perspective, one that most students aren’t exposed to. Both of these factors, the environment he was born into and his family history helped mould Mr. Maple into the perfect Paranoá Cult member. He was admitted, unknowingly, at a very young age into the IB cult, without yet being assigned to a post; instead, he was trained to become one of the IB’s most notorious Cult members.

During his school years, Mr. Mr. Maple was enrolled (by the IB gods, of course) in a series of sports clubs, namely baseball, golf, Canadian football, basketball and cross country, all strategically chosen to prepare him. From each of these, he reaped an important skill: from baseball and Canadian football Mr. O’Bean built strength, from golf he learned precision, basketball taught him the ability to weave amongst a crowd unnoticed, and finally, through his participation in cross-country he progressively garnered the agility required to evade the authorities. Academically, of course, he also received preparation: as part of the trivia team, Mr. O’Bean learned to give instantaneous answers, a skill which would help mask his identity against prying investigators. Mr. O’Bean’s growing interest for history and geography also provided him with the necessary foundation for the execution of his future maleficent plans.

It was only after he graduated from the University of Guelph with a Bachelor of Arts (with Honours) in history, with a minor in political science, and began his Bachelors of Education in Toronto, that he was given a relevant position in the IB Cult. Whilst earning his Bachelors in Education, Mr. Maple was educated in the intricacies of luring and reaping the souls of IB students and was officially inducted into the IB Cult.

After his induction, Mr. Mr. Maple spent restless hours watching his favourite films (Jaws, There Will Be Blood, Memento and The Big Lebowski), reading books such as Confederacy of Dunces (a Cult favourite), travelling and beginning to harness a liking towards Crossfit, awaiting his first mission. It was through Crossfit that Mr. Maple was finally able to put his countless years of training into action by participating in the famed Crossfit cult. While the crimes enacted by the cult haven’t yet been confirmed, echoes here and there inform us of the unspeakable atrocities committed by the members of the Crossfit cult.

Around 2 and a half years ago, Mr. Mr. Maple was promoted and inducted into the Lake Paranoá chapter of the IB Cult and strategically chose to infiltrate himself into EAB as a teacher to conceal his malicious intentions.. Our barriers have been breached, and EAB is no longer the safe space it always has boasted of being (and been).

Subconsciously, you know who Mr. Mr. Maple is. You’ve heard him mutter angrily to himself about overbearing fascists and “vile watercress” (a harmless and tasty vegetable, as you otherwise may know it). You know you’ve entered his classroom and felt that the colourful posters adorning the wall exuded an overly welcoming vibe, lulling you into madness. The very manner he utters “summative” isn’t quite like the other teachers, it’s more malign, almost vindictive. For the good of the EAB community, Mr. Mr. Maple must be identified and reported. Please contact your local Bull’s Eye member if you possess any information on the notorious Mr. Maple, any and all evidence is of great importance.