E-Con

By Braeden Heidemann and Yasmin Abbas

To describe Mr. E-Con no phrase seems better fit than “straightforward”. But when delving into Mr. E-Con’s history, his emblematic simplicity and good humor dissolve into merely a façade. Not an aspect of Mr. E-Con’s story escapes the unusual, and as you read on all those superficially “ordinary” habits you may have noticed will piece together to unveil the mystery of his true self.

It was a chilly night in Brasilia in September of 1989, the owls’ hoots bearing the news of evil to come, when Mr. E-Con was born. He was brought into this world on one of the most unfortunate days of the year: Friday the 13th, thus sealing his fate as a member of the Lake Paranoá Cult. Throughout his childhood and early years of study at EAB, Mr. E-Con recognized but fought against the evil within him, taking part in a myriad of sports activities available in an attempt to curb his violent urges. But on his thirteenth birthday, it became apparent that there was no stopping destiny. On the 13th of September, on yet another Friday the thirteenth and a full moon, Mr. E-Con turned 13 and embraced the truth of what he was destined to become. Without knowing what exactly the future held in store for him, Mr. E-Con graduated from EAB and went on to study economics in the state of Wisconsin.

Without knowing that this would be the day that brought change, Mr. E-Con headed to a retreat, and if you ask him he’ll say that what caught him by surprise about the retreat is that it was vegetarian; as you can tell, he was well trained. In this retreat, he was recognized as one of those destined to forever torture the souls of already suffering IB students. Here, he learned all the skills necessary to appear passive, calm and friendly while feeding the evil IB divinities poor student souls. Since then, those who knew E-Con from a young age (ask Joyce— oh wait, she’s no longer here. Coincidence? I speculate otherwise) could visibly see the change in him. He no longer eats meat, hails idols that promulgate peaceful human coexistence such as Sri Prem Baba (he’s on Spotify) and enjoys watching lectures. If you ask Mr. E-Con about his hobbies, he’ll talk about going to the cinema, taking long walks on the beach, travelling and teaching. If you ask him the right questions though, you’ll get a glimpse of his true self. “What pet peeves do you have?” is the trigger question, it seems. At first he’ll stall, but then something will spark in him and he’ll collapse into a heated rant about how students don’t focus and don’t pay attention and how his students, somehow, despite him repeating himself numerous times, still manage to ask him the same questions thrice.

After intense training in his “vegetarian retreat”, Mr. E-Con was more than prepared to serve the IB divinities in collecting the souls of the EAB IB students. Now that the truth has come to light about certain Cult members, will the Lake Paranoá chapter of the IB gods Cult be disbanded or will it continue to flourish unnoticed?