E-Con

By Braeden Heidemann and Yasmin Abbas

To describe Mr. E-Con no phrase seems better fit than “straightforward”. But when delving into Mr. E-Con’s history, his emblematic simplicity and good humor dissolve into merely a façade. Not an aspect of Mr. E-Con’s story escapes the unusual, and as you read on all those superficially “ordinary” habits you may have noticed will piece together to unveil the mystery of his true self.

It was a chilly night in Brasilia in September of 1989, the owls’ hoots bearing the news of evil to come, when Mr. E-Con was born. He was brought into this world on one of the most unfortunate days of the year: Friday the 13th, thus sealing his fate as a member of the Lake Paranoá Cult. Throughout his childhood and early years of study at EAB, Mr. E-Con recognized but fought against the evil within him, taking part in a myriad of sports activities available in an attempt to curb his violent urges. But on his thirteenth birthday, it became apparent that there was no stopping destiny. On the 13th of September, on yet another Friday the thirteenth and a full moon, Mr. E-Con turned 13 and embraced the truth of what he was destined to become. Without knowing what exactly the future held in store for him, Mr. E-Con graduated from EAB and went on to study economics in the state of Wisconsin.

Without knowing that this would be the day that brought change, Mr. E-Con headed to a retreat, and if you ask him he’ll say that what caught him by surprise about the retreat is that it was vegetarian; as you can tell, he was well trained. In this retreat, he was recognized as one of those destined to forever torture the souls of already suffering IB students. Here, he learned all the skills necessary to appear passive, calm and friendly while feeding the evil IB divinities poor student souls. Since then, those who knew E-Con from a young age (ask Joyce— oh wait, she’s no longer here. Coincidence? I speculate otherwise) could visibly see the change in him. He no longer eats meat, hails idols that promulgate peaceful human coexistence such as Sri Prem Baba (he’s on Spotify) and enjoys watching lectures. If you ask Mr. E-Con about his hobbies, he’ll talk about going to the cinema, taking long walks on the beach, travelling and teaching. If you ask him the right questions though, you’ll get a glimpse of his true self. “What pet peeves do you have?” is the trigger question, it seems. At first he’ll stall, but then something will spark in him and he’ll collapse into a heated rant about how students don’t focus and don’t pay attention and how his students, somehow, despite him repeating himself numerous times, still manage to ask him the same questions thrice.

After intense training in his “vegetarian retreat”, Mr. E-Con was more than prepared to serve the IB divinities in collecting the souls of the EAB IB students. Now that the truth has come to light about certain Cult members, will the Lake Paranoá chapter of the IB gods Cult be disbanded or will it continue to flourish unnoticed?

Fisher Chips

By Malik Abbas

Liverpool, the beautiful coastal city in the British isles. That is where Fisher Chips was born. Exactly when is unknown. A Liverpool F.C fan, Dr. Chips has been known to attend a match or two at Anfield. As of now, nothing suspicious right? Well, things get murkier starting from 1998, when Chips moved to the South American continent. Having studied first economics, politics and sociology at university, Dr. Chips found that his passion lay elsewhere. In literature and linguistics, in fact, subjects in which he did a postgraduate at Birmingham. It is with these qualifications that he applied for a teaching job at a prestigious British school. A job that was originally supposed to last for two years became ten. The justification? Marrying his Brazilian wife. Or so he says. Maybe Fisher Chips stayed for another reason…

In total, Dr. Chips has lived in Brazil for 17 years, sometimes going back to the U.K. for intervals of a year or two. Other than the British school, Chips has taught at a rival American school and is now teaching at EAB. Yes, EAB, our very own school.

The event that marked Chips’ life forever was during his one year teaching job in France in 1990. Among his students were famous executives and the French winter olympic team. It was there, that the Cult called to him. Members of the Lago Paranoá Cult pretended to be executives and started attending some of his classes. Sensing potential, they convinced him to move to Brazil and join the cult. They told him not to go to Brasilia right away in order not to raise suspicion. Reason for the teaching jobs in previous schools. But now he is here. And he is here to stay.

Beware of Chips, while a member who has only recently joined the Cult, we are not quite sure what he is capable of doing. Can he commit such horrors as writing run-on sentences and spewing sentences with subject-verb inconsistencies? Only time will tell. The fact is, the IB gods, the deities of the Lago Paranoá Cult, are bloodthirsty masters. I can only wonder who will be Fisher Chips’ first victim?

Hollywood

By Bruna Abrao 

Born in 1972, Hollywood has been all over the United States: Illinois, New York, North Carolina, Alaska, Minneapolis, Washington, Louisiana, Cincinnati, North Dakota. She has also gone to half a dozen European countries and to the Middle East before finally coming to Brazil. With a master’s degree in Fine Arts, she is part of the elite of theater directors. She has worked side by side with legends, including the former director of the most prestigious art college in NY (starts with a J…). In Washington, she received an award for the most promising. And yet, here she is, teaching  upper school students. Wonder why? I can tell you.

When you are a celebrity, people always have their eyes on you, and that makes it hard to hide things. So what Holywood did was to pretend to be an ordinary teacher, and gradually win her students’ trust – something she did very well, I must say. But that charming smile was not enough to convince your ever-reliable Bullseye! Over the course of our thorough investigation, we dug up Ms. Riley’s nefarious past. Or should I say, present.

It was at university in Washington, that she received an intensive training on torturing methods, along with Calculus, makeup tutorials, advanced bagpipes, and ping-pong.

What does Hollywood have to hide, you ask? Well, prepare yourself for the most wicked list one could ever imagine. Putting rice on top of the beans, disconnecting people’s wifi, chewing gum with her mouth wide open, stealing people’s erasers, switching the pairs of people’s socks, putting a red shirt in the middle of white laundry, watching bad movies on other people’s Netflix accounts to mess up their recommended TV shows… All in the name of the almighty IB gods!

Hollywood is a member of the Lake Paranoá cult, whose sole purpose is to make people’s lives miserable in order to please the IB gods. They are extremely dangerous criminals. No wonder the place underneath the stage is called the dungeon, or why some actors are suddenly switched for others on the second day of performances. This is what really happens behind the curtains. Beware.

 

IB Police

By Rebeca Arantes

Everybody knows who she is. She is the IB sheriff of the school. She is the one we, desperate students, are always looking for and sending emails to. She is always there, present, looking, observing, checking. We call her the IB police.

The IB police is a Caribbean women. Originally born in Tobago, Trinidad no one knows her age, except for that she was born the 29th of May. The IB police is the one of the three children in her family, who she loves and cares for. After graduating high school she decided to study business and economics at a prestigious University. Why? There is no answer for that question. She always liked numbers and she was always a people’s person. Everyone loves the IB police. Always with a smile on her face, cracking jokes down the EAB hallways.

After finishing college she fell in love with the so feared IB diploma program. It is quite astonishing how the dreadful IB can be appealing to someone as nice as Katrina but to that question there is also no answer.  She was always a free-spirited woman. She loves adventures, reading and going to the cinema. Due to her thirst for new beginnings and journeys, she decided to move to the country she had heard so much about, Brazil. As she said, “I heard wonderful things about the country and I have never been to Latin America”.

The IB police’s original plan was to move to São Paulo, get a job and lead a normal, calm and stable life. However, the Paranoá Cult wanted her. It was an event that marked her life forever.  In the morning of January 15, 2012, one of the leaders of the Cult knocked on her door. She was still in her pajamas making her daily cup of green tea. The leader invited her to join the Cult, and to remain quiet about it to all her family and friends. It was an undeniable offer.

Following this event she moved to Brasília with no further notice. To some, she simply just vanished. No one in São Paulo ever heard of her again. Her family thinks she is on a spiritual journey through the forests of India, where she has no internet access, explains why she barely communicates.  The IB police is a new, but extremely important member of the Cult. She is always here for us, ready to listen to any complaints. However, be aware. One can never be careful enough when dealing with new authorities that have just joined.

 

Magnesium

By Sophie Kane

Magnesium grew up in Minnesota in the United States. She has four sisters and two brothers. Her ancestors had come to Minnesota in 1860, and her dad was born in the house that she grew up in. Her mother had grown up only 6 miles away. In high school in Minnesota Magnesium was the co-captain of her cross country ski team. She was also part of three choirs and the high school track team.

Coming from a seemingly ordinary upbringing made it all the more shocking when we discovered that Magnesium was entangled in the notorious Lake Paranoá Cult that commits terrible crimes in service to the IB gods. Just last week she was said to have released helium gas in the classrooms of IB students right before they were about to give their end-of-term presentations so that their voices would be high-pitched and squeaky while they presented. Magnesium is also accused of growing borax crystals between lessons and selling them for millions of reais on the black market.

She has lived overseas for over two decades with Mr. V (for Vendetta), living in central Asia, Europe, and South America and picking up some of the local language from all of those places in order to acquire the most dangerous of the Periodic Table elements to use for her illegal experiments and black market transactions. It is unknown at this point in the investigation if Mr. V is an accomplice but he is a person of interest in this case and is being searched for now by the authorities.

Magnesium has taught at five international schools, usually teaching chemistry but she has also taught biology and physics so she has immense knowledge of all three of the main realms of science making her all the more dangerous. One of her most famous plots was that in which she planted concentrated hydrogen peroxide mixed with liquid detergent and a catalyst to release an immense foam planted in the homes of her students. An anonymous source told the Bullseye that the victims never recovered from the emotional trauma of seeing their homes drowned in the sinister foam.

If anyone has information that could help stop Magnesium or any of the other members of the Lake Paranoá Cult please contact the authorities immediately.

Mr. Maple

By Yasmin Abbas

Mr. Maple, otherwise known infamously referred to as “The Canadian” was born into a family of educators on the 26th of March, 1981 in Sarnia, a city in Ontario, Canada. Not too much later that same year, in very same city of Sarnia, one of Sarnia’s Police Department’s most wanted was born. From a young age, Mr. Maple was exposed to the world of teaching from the opposite perspective, one that most students aren’t exposed to. Both of these factors, the environment he was born into and his family history helped mould Mr. Maple into the perfect Paranoá Cult member. He was admitted, unknowingly, at a very young age into the IB cult, without yet being assigned to a post; instead, he was trained to become one of the IB’s most notorious Cult members.

During his school years, Mr. Mr. Maple was enrolled (by the IB gods, of course) in a series of sports clubs, namely baseball, golf, Canadian football, basketball and cross country, all strategically chosen to prepare him. From each of these, he reaped an important skill: from baseball and Canadian football Mr. O’Bean built strength, from golf he learned precision, basketball taught him the ability to weave amongst a crowd unnoticed, and finally, through his participation in cross-country he progressively garnered the agility required to evade the authorities. Academically, of course, he also received preparation: as part of the trivia team, Mr. O’Bean learned to give instantaneous answers, a skill which would help mask his identity against prying investigators. Mr. O’Bean’s growing interest for history and geography also provided him with the necessary foundation for the execution of his future maleficent plans.

It was only after he graduated from the University of Guelph with a Bachelor of Arts (with Honours) in history, with a minor in political science, and began his Bachelors of Education in Toronto, that he was given a relevant position in the IB Cult. Whilst earning his Bachelors in Education, Mr. Maple was educated in the intricacies of luring and reaping the souls of IB students and was officially inducted into the IB Cult.

After his induction, Mr. Mr. Maple spent restless hours watching his favourite films (Jaws, There Will Be Blood, Memento and The Big Lebowski), reading books such as Confederacy of Dunces (a Cult favourite), travelling and beginning to harness a liking towards Crossfit, awaiting his first mission. It was through Crossfit that Mr. Maple was finally able to put his countless years of training into action by participating in the famed Crossfit cult. While the crimes enacted by the cult haven’t yet been confirmed, echoes here and there inform us of the unspeakable atrocities committed by the members of the Crossfit cult.

Around 2 and a half years ago, Mr. Mr. Maple was promoted and inducted into the Lake Paranoá chapter of the IB Cult and strategically chose to infiltrate himself into EAB as a teacher to conceal his malicious intentions.. Our barriers have been breached, and EAB is no longer the safe space it always has boasted of being (and been).

Subconsciously, you know who Mr. Mr. Maple is. You’ve heard him mutter angrily to himself about overbearing fascists and “vile watercress” (a harmless and tasty vegetable, as you otherwise may know it). You know you’ve entered his classroom and felt that the colourful posters adorning the wall exuded an overly welcoming vibe, lulling you into madness. The very manner he utters “summative” isn’t quite like the other teachers, it’s more malign, almost vindictive. For the good of the EAB community, Mr. Mr. Maple must be identified and reported. Please contact your local Bull’s Eye member if you possess any information on the notorious Mr. Maple, any and all evidence is of great importance.

The Piano Man

By Lucas Duchrow

The piano man, a seemingly normal mathematics teacher at EAB, right? Wrong. Nothing could be further from the truth. You know what they all say… quiet people have the loudest minds, and boy isn’t it true.

Born in 1970 in Tennessee, Mr. Piano grew up with two brothers and sisters and developed a passion for music. He even played in a local rock band called The Clears as the pianist. Ever since, he has used his hypnotizing music and infused it with evil subconscious messages to capture unsuspecting residents and brainwash them with his radical ideals!

But Mr. Piano didn’t have enough. He took it a step further when he majored in biomedicine in college. His intent, as we now all know, was to develop biological warfare to meddle with people’s minds and to jumble with their thoughts! But then, after mastering his craft, he changed majors to mathematics for reasons still unknown. The puzzle must be cracked before irreversible damage is done to the world!

That’s not all that the piano man has done. He figured that he’d eventually get caught if he stayed in the same place for too long! And so, he posed as an unsuspecting teacher and travelled overseas in search of new victims. On his voyages, Mr. Piano joined the so dreaded Lago Paranoá Cult. Eventually, just like most marketing strategies, he discovered that students were the easiest targets: always target the young ones! Since then, he began capturing students and offering them as blood sacrifices to the IB gods!

Planning carefully, the piano man carefully selected his destinations — five to be exact — in which he’d strike! They are as follows: Cape Town, South Africa; Qingdao, China; Seoul, South Korea; Dakar, Senegal; and Greenville, South Carolina. Suspicious, isn’t it? If we rearrange the first letters of every name listed, including the second word, into alphabetical order, then we get ACCDGKQSSST which means absolutely nothing. Wait! But maybe it does… the technology just isn’t here yet.

Log Date 6.10
I was captured. Captured. And dragged down to some vile pit, or so I assumed. I wouldn’t know anyways, since I was asleep the whole time. My last conscious memories consisted of soothing music. It made me sleepy. Like lullabies. When I woke up, I was in shackles. I dread the horrible atrocities they commit down here. I better do something if I ever want to see the light of day again, and better be quick, for I hear voices.

Log Date 7.10
I could not sleep. Maybe I could, but I could not tell. I heard the music again — and the voices. They were loud and clear, but I could not tell what they were saying. My wrists are still shackled, and they are sore from the rusty cuffs. I found some leftover butter in the corner, probably left by some rats. Maybe I can use it to free myself.

Log Date 8.10
The butter worked. But I did not free myself quite yet. I need to come up with a plan first. Otherwise, they might brainwash me or even throw me in a hole if they discover my idea. I will snoop around some more before coming up with a plan of escape.

Log Date 10.10
They took me. They took me in the middle of the night while they thought I was asleep. But I wasn’t. The butter was rotten and it kept me awake. I heard the music and the voices again. But still, I could not hear what it was saying. They pricked needles in me and I had to do my best not to scream. I heard words of brainwashing. I must escape before it’s too late.

Log Date 12.10
I have worked out a plan. I hope I am not too late. I have mapped out the cavern and the different sleep patterns of the voices. I will escape when they are sleeping.

Log Date 13.10
I escaped. I did it. But there were more. In cellars, chained like me. I could not bear to leave them, but I had to, because the voices were coming. I cannot live like this. They must be stopped.

Log Date 28.12
I have found out all I need about the voices. Now, I can expose them and the atrocities they have committed. I have found out about their leader, who goes by the pseudonym of the piano man, and the many different hideouts they have staked throughout the world. I have traced him and his destinations, and have pinpointed them to five points on a map. He moves constantly — and quickly, so as not to raise suspicion. Wherever he goes, he captures heedless students, and brainwashes them to do his bidding. “How?” you may ask, “How?” I have discovered how, after snooping through the archives. His secret is in his music. The same music I heard. It is hypnotizing and infused with evil subconscious messages. I have discovered that the evil Mr. Piano has taken part in music bands in his earlier days; if this is where his motivations come from, I do not yet know. Further snooping has found him to have majored in biomedicine, perhaps to develop biological warfare for his evil doings, but then switched to mathematics after mastering his art. Countless students have disappeared in Cape Town, Qingdao, Seoul, Dakar, and Greenville — the five destinations I have pinpointed, and many more to come if he is not stopped.

Log Date 30.12
He has moved again. It appears he is preparing for something big. It appears he is in Brasilia.

Photosynthesis

by Ana Cecilia Oliveira

Photosynthesis is a seemingly normal teacher: born in Vermont on December 9, 1983; lived there until she graduated high school; has an older brother. In high school, she played ice hockey, soccer, and softball, and built sets for theatre productions. She is well-known at EAB for always having a warm smile on her face.

But here is what you don’t know about Photosynthesis: behind her kind, caring surface lurks a dangerous person. She is involved in the Lake Paranoá Cult, where teachers have been committing horrible crimes in the name of the IB gods. Last year, they stole all the coffee in Brasilia so that students wouldn’t be able to stay up late and study!

Photosynthesis attended College in Southern California, where she majored in molecular biology. After graduating college she worked in the Health sector, conducting research in immunology. She decided that she wanted to teach and went to Bulgaria. There, she met Red Beard, who had already been involved in the cult’s nefarious activities for several years. He convinced Photosynthesis to bow down to the deities of IB and join in on their crimes.

In Bulgaria, Photosynthesis went through a rigorous training program that included brainwashing, playing the ukulele, skydiving, and underwater basket-weaving! All of this was meant to drive home the most important lesson: the IB gods demand blood sacrifice for their unquestionable divinity.

Photosynthesis and Red Beard perfected a double-act. She played the sympathetic, caring teacher to lure unsuspecting students. Red Beard would joke about the IB gods, fooling his students into thinking it was all a lie… knowing they wouldn’t believe him. Then they would strike! They turned their students into brainless bots that thought of nothing but homework. One of her worst crimes was brainwashing students into breaking into a house and decorating it for Christmas overnight… in April! Other horrible atrocities  include serving insufficiently boiled vegetables and replacing students with cardboard cutouts during exams.

Photosynthesis moved to Ecuador, then Chicago, then Istanbul—never staying for very long, moving before anyone could find out what they were really up to… or connect it to the mysterious disappearances of students at each of the schools she’s worked at.

Photosynthesis is a dangerous criminal who must be stopped! She has been hiding behind a facade of kindness, using her biology knowledge for evil purposes. Her unsuspecting students have been used as sacrifices to satiate the IB gods. Students from our school have been sacrificed at the banks of Lake Paranoá, all so the teachers can continue their submissive support for these horrible academic divinities. They must be stopped!

Panic at EAB

The Professors of Lago Paranoá

Dear students, if you are reading this there is still time. You may have already heard dark whispers being uttered from the stuttering mouths of your classmates: unfortunately, they are true. It is in times of great desperation that we, the school newspaper Bullseye, come to you but first, let me explain…

It all began on a dark November night in 1968, lightning and thunder streaked the skies as the founders of the IB signed the last papers and created the diabolical institution we know today, maniacally cackling all the while. It was a program founded on ideas of international peace and prosperity in education, first proposed by Marie-Thérèse Maurette. A program which, in the decades to come, would rob countless hours of sleep and be the cause of much emotional grief for teenagers of all color, race, and creed. This was step one of their plan: Establishment.

The effects were immediate and historical. Netflix saw a drop in activity of around 78% as did Spotify, Youtube, Tinder, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. The collateral damage can only truly be compared to the catastrophic Wall Street Crash of 1929. Parents around the world were left scratching their heads as their teenage sons and daughters sat mechanically chanting the words “TOK-IOP-IOC-IA-EE-CAS-HL-SL-DP” until the acronyms occupied a permanent place in their souls. This was step two of their plan: Mind Control.

When the IB was first introduced at EAB, an expert group of investigative journalists from the Bull’s Eye began documenting strange occurrences and observed a trend. This series of unfortunate events has led to a shocking discovery and goes as follows.

  1. On the 12th of November, 2012, the school’s chemistry teacher arrived at school in a pink Maserati. Further scouting proved that expensive Borax crystals were being funneled through the IB and into Indonesian black markets.
  1. Again, another strange occurrence was noted on the 13th of september (a friday), 2013 when one of the English teachers was caught writing run-on sentences with subject-verb inconsistencies on the board. Here’s the kicker, he did it in alien hieroglyphics.
  1. What’s more on the 11th of February, 2014, the school’s beloved economics teacher and resident “Zoeiro” was accused and proven guilty of being a vegetarian. I mean, seriously, that is when the line was crossed. These “happenings”, if you will, make up the third part of their plan: Confusion.

Events became more frequent and elevated in strangeness. There are too many to list and I would prefer to spare you the horror. Until one day the last and most crucial piece of evidence we obtained was from a survivor, one of our very own journalists, Huat. He writes:

I was captured. Captured. Dragged down to some vile pit, or so I assumed. I wouldn’t know anyways, seeing as I was unconscious. My last memories consist of soothing music, kind of like the song that girl sings in “ Nightmare on Elm’s street”. It got me sleepy. Like lullabies. When I woke up, I was in shackles.

This, as you may have guessed, is the fourth and last part of their plan: Capture.

Now, you may well be asking yourself, if this is all believable, are teachers really sacrificing students in the name of the IB gods and bathing them in the nocturnal waters of Lago Parnoá? It is with a heavy heart and feverish hands that I type these words, yes it is. Even Donald J Trump, the president of the United States and stake/estate/casino mogul, a known crusader in the war against fake news and brave upholder of the alternative truth, has verified the Bull’s eye as a credible source. The proof lies in one small Indian and one large American, in reference of course, are Arjun and Bryce, two former students who were believed to have departed to India and Mozambique. What truly happened is simply grotesque: they were the first victims, washing up on the shores of the lake on December 8th of 2017 only remembering one sentence “Learners inspiring learners to be inquisitive in life, principled in character, and bold in vision”.

I have not been able to sleep these past few days, partly because of the IB and partly because of the nightmares. However, the Bullseye still believes that there is hope. We must, as a school, simply identify the teachers responsible and know how to prevent any future crimes which, by the way, are of international scale. By the next assembly all of you students are to have read the incriminating reports that have been written and left around Campus and will be tested on your knowledge of the crimes. You will be asked about detail and subject matter in a competitive, school-wide, trivia game, the winner will not only gain the moral victory of saving the school from disaster but also a pizza party and two field day points. This is because we know no one cares about a moral victory and we are trying to prevent an apocalypse. Students must be knowledgeable enough to answer on behalf of their class or be prepared to lose.

I am sorry to have to inform you of this threat to our very existence at the hands of  the IB and I fret for our collective mental health as the crucial day of the next assembly approaches. In the case that we all do not make it or that I have to seek refuge because of this article, It has been an honor to serve alongside you, #benedetto.

Sincerely, your editor

Lucas Duchrow