The 5 Easy Steps to Quickly Say Nothing and Pretend like you Contribute

By Felipe Bauer

Getting people to read your writing is all about having a point that feeds into people’s confirmation biases, a title that’s highly controversial, and an image.

“Hooke’s law is a law of physics that states that the force (F) needed to extend or compress a spring by some distance (x) scales linearly with respect to that distance” (“Hooke’s Law”). That means that further you deviate from the title of your essay at the start (x) the greater the force your hook will be, as the reader wonders what is the correlation between the thing they payed for (in kindness, because we do this for free) and whatever desperate attempt at comedic relevancy the author is attempting. 476f6f640a. It’s kind of like being a social media influencer. Getting people to read your writing is all about having a point that feeds into people’s confirmation biases, a title that’s highly controversial, and an image.

The “point” part is usually called a “thesis,” in which you state your focus and your arguments to prove you are right. It is usually followed by the most boring sentence of your piece, as you struggle to gain your footing after spending over 60 minutes thinking of Hooke. That is your first topic sentence. As a matter of fact, all topic sentences are boring, like social media influencers, because they have to connect with the next paragraph, and as someone who wants to get off on minimal work, you can’t be bothered writing a joke that will span multiple paragraphs and actually be intelligent. 

As a matter of fact, experts claim that only 10% of people will make it past your title. Most will be turned off by it’s controversy, some by it’s uselessness. Those who make it past the title will then check it the article contains an image, followed by a skim over the introductory paragraph. It is important, to leave something extremely random and confusing in the first few sentences for seemingly no reason. This forces the few active readers to check through your body paragraphs for clues, like that hexadecimal is a great coding system. People with English degrees call these things “literary devices.” An example would be the recurring motif of mentioning social medial influencers for no reason. I, on the other hand call them “making it seem like I made more than one draft, even though I’m totally making this up as I go along.”

The 5 Easy Steps to Quickly Say Nothing and Pretend like you Contribute

Including an image somewhere between the third and second paragraph is crucial for reader retention. They can play the role of distracting the reader from the fact that you have no idea what you are doing and completely forgot what that great joke was you came up with when you were in the middle of your introduction. This might not even be necessary if your target audience are social media influencers. Such a method has an effectiveness of 47%, and that is because images between paragraphs serve to completely break the flow off the essay. Preferably make them as large as possible, with no text. That is because the areas of the brain responsible for word and image comprehension are completely different, forcing a break in the first to activate the second.

Now that you have the random images, the dumb titles, and the well crafted thesis that always comes off worse when re-written for the conclusion, how do you make sure the readers keep coming back for more? The key word is interaction. Ask rhetorical questions. Make a random sixth point in your 5 step guide instead of actually writing a conclusion, making the conclusion and the thesis much longer than your body paragraphs. Those make the reader feel like they are part of the text, and have a connection with you, the author. That voice they make for you in their heads will make sure they see you as more then words in a piece of paper. Another piece of advice, and this goes for those trying go attract a more intellectual crowd, is to include random facts. In verbal or numerical form. Can be correct or completely made up, sourced or unsourced. It just needs to sound the slightest bit believable so that nobody actually bothers checking if there are sources. Soon, there will be hundreds of people saying that the brain uses two different sectors for word and image recognition. When someone finally decides to check it that’s correct, the only Google result will be your article. Then the entire population will be split in two sides: those who are hooked on your big brain, and the social media influencers.

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